Quiet--Silence on DeviantArthttps://www.deviantart.com/quiet--silence/art/What-if-544862707Quiet--Silence

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What if,

Published: Jul 8, 2015

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gender transboy vent ventart transgender genderfluid

Description

_{I'm a boy?

I've been drawing myself like this a lot, trying to get over my dysphoria.
Truth is, I am a boy more than anything else, and I'm barely a girl anymore. I've been purposefully avoiding wearing anything at school other than our school's sports uniform (due to its gender neutrality, but I really don't have a choice but to instead blame its warmth over the thin pants girls 'get' to wear with their normal uniform). You'd think that, and wanting male clothing, would be enough of a hint! But no.
...
However, that being said, my mother said that neither me nor my brother will be trans- and that's part of the reason I've avoided coming out as trans-, even if I think that it will be a lot more simpler than explaining my gender fluidity. She's also said that we shouldn't talk about sexuality, since I and my younger sister have been talking idly about it all. And it's probably because she thinks we're too young to understand what we're really talking about, so I guess she'd think I'm too young to make a choice on my gender identity too...*
...
I just want to say, what if she's wrong? I think it will be a huge shock if I did say that I wasn't her daughter. I don't know how to do anything though. Don't know how to write a letter, don't know how to ask for a binder (despite assistance from a friend's older sister), don't know how to do any of that. I was planning to ask Keldeo about it but I have no contact with him (his tumblr askbox is closed and I don't have his skype or his kik). Furthermore, I must've seemed like a girl all the time when I was younger, and I don't know how to tell her that I've felt this way since 2012 (but didn't know what it was all about and didn't understand the whole 'gender is not to do with your genitalia', and 'there's more than just male and female', especially since I always felt... like a sort of a mix, or like it fluctuated), especially since I must've never come across that way for her to believe what I have to say. In fact, it will probably seem like a sudden thing, like a thing that happened recently, or at least since... well, the next paragraph states it all:
A huge problem is that a friend of mine (who just so happens to be Keldeo) is trans-, too, and he goes to my school and we're pretty close. I don't want to seem like I'm copying him and I know I'm probably going to be accused of that as I transition. I know I'm probably going to be rejected, even though he'll know I'm not copying and he'll know what I'm feeling. I've even been told that he'd help me out through this. *He's younger than me, and his family was extremely supportive of him. My mom is a really kind person, and I really love her. My father would be less accepting, but even he accepts Kelson and tries to call him by his correct pronouns, because he likes him. So...
...
My dad used to always say 'Good boy' to me and my sisters as a joke, and we all hated it. But recently (a while back now), he said it, and I felt so... ecstatic. It made me unbelievably happy and I knew I had to keep those feelings inside me, because... well, to begin with, my father sees me happy, his sense of humor is a little messed up and makes me feel bad about feeling happy. But happiness? About being called a boy? I honestly wonder if he's noticed I'm using his soap-- Also, on Silv's account, I had received a friendly Valentines Day from an anonymous person (who mistook Silv for an OC, which is... fair enough, I guess), which said 'I don't even know if you're really a boy or not', and it made me feel happy that, hey, someone thinks I'm a boy! I suppose in 2012 I acted like quite the boy online, too... so maybe even then people mistook me for being a boy. Come late 2012, though, and I identified myself as 'Ange' and told everyone that I was a girl. Of course, that was after I... got myself suspended after getting into a fight with another girl... and that made everyone go like 'wait what, she???'... and to make it less awkward I stated I was a girl and my name was Ange--
...
...it's awkward enough even suggesting it online. Is it wrong to come out? Is vent art a bad way to show it?
I don't know what to do. I didn't know back then, I don't know even now if it's the right choice, and I know I'll look absolutely horrendous with short hair (as much as the picture states otherwise).
...also, I'm having name difficulties. I have two names in mind but... both give up 'Ange'. 'Adrian' is closer to 'Ange' but I also love the name 'Ethan'... and if anyone has any other name suggestions, that would be appreciated too. ;w;
...

Sorry for my rant! It is vent art after all and it is to try and get over my dysphoria. Though if any of you have anything to say that might be able to help me out, or even just support, I'd appreciate it. uwu

Edit [14/7/15]: I managed to buy myself a couple of binders either yesterday or the day before, and they'll be coming between the 22nd and the 5th. I'm pretty excited about it. I didn't have to offer an explanation, and I guess it's because it was something I wanted, and something I bought with my own pocket money. If I had to borrow money for it... I'm sure the explanation wouldn't have gone down well. I'm still not sure about coming out. But I'll be really happy once I get them!
I want to buy some more masculine clothes but I'm not sure I should just yet. I'm not 'rich'. And... well, first thing should be the school uniform drama. I don't go out very often so male casual clothes shouldn't be necessary. I still don't know how to tell my mother about my identity, but good news is, today I've written a draft letter.

Edit [21/7/15]: I wrote a letter to my mom, and she's accepting of me. She's not ready to call me Ethan, and I told her I understand that she's not disrespecting me. It's hard for her, I know, because I've always been her baby girl, and now I'm telling her otherwise. She took me outside to have a word with me. And let me tell you, even if Mom's always been a little emotional, it's still so hard to see her cry. I know she's not sad about it. I know she's not disappointed. She still loves me, and accepts me, and hopefully will help me out through this. She doesn't know how to tell Dad about it, and she, like me, is afraid of how he'll react. I stated before that I'd prefer her knowing over Dad, and that hasn't changed. I'm a little nervous about how he's going to react. Even now, Mom's saying to my younger sisters that she doesn't care, about how she raised me and how she doesn't mind, but how neither are allowed to say a thing to Dad just yet, that she wants to do it. I'm afraid of him rejecting me more than anything... and Mom's worried about his reaction more than anything. Oh, god. I'm still so nervous. But I feel relieved after giving her the letter, and having her read through it, and responding (almost) the way I expected.

Edit [21/7/15]: I regret coming out. I feel so sick. I'm constantly sick. I thought it was feeling of relief. But instead it's the feeling of dread that overwhelmed me when I first handed her that letter, and it hasn't gone away. I'm feeling sick. And I want her to forget. I want her to forget it ever happened. I don't want her to remember. I want to go through my life as normal. This isn't something I'm going to forget. I want her to forget where she hid the letter. I want her to forget that I ever said I was a boy. I want her to never tell Dad. This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to break like I have. This isn't at all what I wanted.

Edit [23/7/15]: I'm now okay with everything now. It was just the initial uneasiness. Apparently, according to Keldeo, that's normal. I'm okay now. I don't actually regret it. I was just feeling so sick that I regretted it all.
But this edit isn't about that! My binders came today! They're perfect! They work so well! I'll be posting pictures on my Tumblr to show the difference between using my binder and not using it. When I'm not so lazy, that is! It's sooo comfy-- I never wanna take it off but I know I have to--}

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Comments25

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A-rgento

Jul 20, 2020

((...this is so sad to look at because unfortunately, nothing's changed.))